As most of you know, I take the bus to work every day. I really have no general problem with it, and enjoy the 20 minutes of reading/music every morning and afternoon. But, let’s face it: there are some annoyances.
As such, I present Greg’s (incomplete) Bus Rules:
- If you’re standing: Look towards the back of the bus. Is there empty space there? Look towards the front of the bus. Is there a clump of people crowded together that can’t get by you? Congratulations, you’re retarded! Move!
- Don’t wait until the bus comes to a complete stop to start making your way to the door. If you do, don’t be surprised, yell, or bitch when the driver takes off when you’re just about to get to the door after 15 seconds. Exception: You’re old/frail/crippled/have an inner-ear infection, so standing up on a moving bus is a significant danger.
- Gentlemen: Close the gates. I’m sure you have a large, manly sack. Air it out on your own time, and keep yourself on your seat.
- If you fail to observe the above rule (or otherwise can’t keep yourself confined to one seat), don’t be surprised if you find me snuggled up to you. Especially if it’s cold. Also don’t be surprised if I shuffle imperceptibly in your direction every time you adjust or shuffle in the slightest.
- Mothers: Yes, I guess you can flip up those front two seats and park your SUV-style stroller. Don’t then take your bastard offspring out of the stroller and plop them on the seat beside you. You just paid one fare and took four seats. Leave the kid in the stroller. Or put them on your lap. Or walk there. Or find a local crack dealer to babysit the kid. Pick any one, doesn’t bother me.
- Put your shit on the luggage racks. This seems to be overlooked particularly in the 5-wide bench at the back: there’s a whole big space back there.
- Okay, this one is pretty minor, but annoying. If you’re standing and two people are trying to have a conversation across the aisle, don’t stand directly between them unless the bus is so crowded you have no choice. Take a half-step.
- If somebody at the front of the bus gives their seat up to an old person and the old person then gets off, the original occupant has dibs on the seat. No swooping in.
Proposed additions welcome.
January 25th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
9. If you’re talking on the phone, don’t scream into it. I really don’t care if your boyfriend didn’t do anything for your two month “anniversary.” I don’t care and you’re annoying everyone else with your screechy voice.
10. You’re sitting at the back in one of the corners. Don’t put your goddamn feet on the bench in front of you. People need to sit there, asshat.
11. Perfume/cologne is not a substitute for bathing. Your B.O. only gets amplified in an enclosed area like a bus.
12. Know the goddamn route. If the bus does not drop off on a certain part of the route, don’t pull the cord like a jackass and bitch at the driver when the bell doesn’t sound. Also, don’t bitch at the driver when the bus doesn’t stop at the location you want it to. “Express,” asshole, do you speak it?
13. Don’t run up if you’re late and bang on the bus to let you on when it’s pulling away. You’re late, shit happens. Wait for the next bus. I don’t care if YOU get run over, but don’t make me late for your stupidity.
January 26th, 2007 at 6:33 am
14. If the bus is full, move to the back of the bus! It is not rocket science and there isn’t poison gas or biohazards back there.
15. Don’t stand in the doorway unless you’re getting off at the next stop. You make it extremely difficult for people to get off the bus. Either stand elsewhere, or get off the bus, hold the door open, and then get back on.
16. Don’t put your wet, soggy umbrella in my face.
January 26th, 2007 at 9:23 am
17. Thous shall not bring anything large, gross or stinky onto the bus. This includes, bags of empties, 400 rolls of toilet paper (I don’t care if they wee on sale!), food, giant strollers or backpacks. The is particularly important during the morning and evening rushes.
January 26th, 2007 at 9:25 am
18. If you are ill with a communicable disease – do not ride the bus – period. I, and the 50 other people riding the bus, do not want to catch your flu, Ebola, hemorrhagic fever or TB. Stay the fuck home until you are better.
January 27th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I was just talking to Paul and will add:
19. Go the back door(s) to get off. Don’t push past people trying to get on the bus to save yourself walking ten feet back in that direction when you get off. Exception: The bus is really crowded and you can’t get to the back doors, or the bus is fairly empty and you can see that nobody is getting on anyway.
20. (from Paul) At a busy stop (Broadway and Commercial, SFU middle stop, etc), don’t push past ten people to get right to the doors. Those people are probably getting off too.
January 27th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
21. This is more of a “before you get on the bus” rule, but at the bus stop, learn what a queue is. One usually forms, so get to the back of the goddamn line. Everyone’s getting on and you pushing your way to the front makes you a douche. I don’t care if you’re 80.
22. If the bus is filling up, take your bag off the seat beside you and put it on the ground. If you don’t want to dirty it, put it on your lap. Stop taking up an extra seat when other people need it because you can’t put up with a little dust on your overpriced lululemon plastic bag.
January 29th, 2007 at 7:41 am
23. Related to 14: When the bus is actually full, do not shove past 10 people to get to your “favourite spot” or whatever it is near the back doors. The rest of us have stopped moving for a good reason, and your repeating of “excuse me” does not make the shoving any less of a shoving.
February 11th, 2007 at 12:30 am
24. On snowy days, waiting at a busstop that’s deep in snow on an incline is a bad idea for everyone. Take 2-5 minutes to walk down the hill to the nearest level or clear busstop and get on there. Otherwise, you’ve just landed a bus in a spot it can’t move it’s pregnant-whale ass out of. Congratulations. Now nobody’s going anywhere. Spend 5 minutes and save everyone else 30.
February 13th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
[…] Greg Baker’s Bus Rules […]
February 14th, 2007 at 10:53 am
25. If you have luggage that makes you look like you’re heading to the airport or a cruise, for crying out loud, get a ride, pay for a taxi, anything BUT get on a busy 135 bus with zero standing room.
26. In the spirit of Valentines, I don’t care if you gys are going to love each other to death, but don’t laugh like a maniac at each other’s jokes, or be the face hugger from the Aliens series. Have some dignity and go to a loughe, bar, etc.
27. When there’s still plenty of seats around, and you see a guy’s hand busy (perhaps eating lunch before heading to work), try parking your keister at an empty seat next to him. I know I was a jerk when eating on the bus and have my stuff next to me, but the bus wasn’t even moving, and I wasn’t paying attention; but that doens’t mean you can park your oversized keister to crush my backpack and my potato salad just because you’re too lazy to move one seat over.
28. Related to 27, if you wish to have a jerk to remove his backpack off the seat, attract his attention before being rude and just sit on the backpack. I don’t think you want to attract a negligence lawsuit when you break a laptop.
February 14th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Shoot, my rather numb hand is causing me typos.
February 14th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I actually don’t mind when people bring large bags and unwieldy items onto the bus or skytrain, provided it’s not in the hours of 8->9:30am or 4->6:30pm.
I once witnessed a man bring the largest, most gargantuan, oddly welded and absurdly designed bike trailer onto the skytrain (6 wheels, suspended and shock absorbed bed, railings, and rust galore). I don’t think he could afford to put that on an appropriately sized taxi.
Besides, it looked sweet.
I also go grocery shopping via skytrain, hauling heaps of bags home with me, and have many a time hauled luggage on transit to catch a ferry. New West to Departure Bay by cab? Holy crap! No way I can afford that chunk of change.
But, in the spirit of this list:
29) Do not smoke on the bus.
30) Do not smoke at the bus stop. Some of us are allergic to it; it’s illegal, too.